When considering if it's the right time to offer a critique or suggestion to someone or about someone, keep in mind the following three things in order to have a profitable and loving discussion:
1. Be sure you truly understand what you disagree with or want to suggest needs to be changed. "You often see prolonged discussions or arguments that could be avoided by simply explaining what we mean by a term," writes Danny in "Charity in Communication." "Getting others' views right is a part of love. Disagreeing in the proper spirit is Christian.
"Disagreeing in the improper spirit is not Christian even if we are correct. You see truth and love must go together. Truth without love is not Christian."
2. Is there a solution to the problem that you're pointing out? If not, "it is quite disheartening to be told that you are 'on the wrong path' career wise or in another way but to not be told what the right path is," says Danny in "Unloving Advice." "A critique with no superior solution is a worthless critique.
"To say a solution is poor but to not have any idea of a better solution is at best a waste of breath and in fact more likely unloving. To criticize without giving hope is completely un-Christian in spirit.
"We should build up others. If we cannot be building up and offering a better approach than it is best that we say nothing at all."
3. Is there something that you can do to help the problem that you're pointing out? It's easy to critique others and other cultures but not ourselves and our own culture. Read more in "Critique of the Other."
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Unloving Advice
Often I see people give advice and tell another person that they are on the wrong path in this or that way. It is often that a person criticizes another's career path or direction they are taking, but offer no alternate path.
It is quite disheartening to be told that you are "on the wrong path" career wise or in another way but to not be told what the right path is. A critique with no superior solution is a worthless critique.
To say a solution is poor but to not have any idea of a better solution is at best a waste of breath and in fact more likely unloving. To criticize without giving hope is completely un-Christian in spirit.
We should build up others. If we cannot be building up and offering a better approach than it is best that we say nothing at all.
The church needs to lift its members up. For its members who struggle and seem to lack direction the church needs to be conscious to only provide uplifting support.
It is of no use for the church to tell members struggling with direction that their career path is suspect but offer no assistance. But in many churches today this is exactly what happens. No real help is offered to membership, but rather only judgement.
It is quite disheartening to be told that you are "on the wrong path" career wise or in another way but to not be told what the right path is. A critique with no superior solution is a worthless critique.
To say a solution is poor but to not have any idea of a better solution is at best a waste of breath and in fact more likely unloving. To criticize without giving hope is completely un-Christian in spirit.
We should build up others. If we cannot be building up and offering a better approach than it is best that we say nothing at all.
The church needs to lift its members up. For its members who struggle and seem to lack direction the church needs to be conscious to only provide uplifting support.
It is of no use for the church to tell members struggling with direction that their career path is suspect but offer no assistance. But in many churches today this is exactly what happens. No real help is offered to membership, but rather only judgement.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
The Will of God
Often we must live out the will of God in our lives despite the objections of others. There are many voices in our lives.
Many godly people will give us bad advice. It is not that these people are not godly but we as fallen people have a tendency to mindlessly repeat the wisdom we hear in the world or even the church.
Wisdom is specific to a situation. If it was an absolute it would not be wisdom. You see this is the issue with mindlessly repeating wisdom without thinking.
What is frequently true is not always true. There are many unique situations with various dynamics. We should approach situations in life with a desire to think through how to act, not with a preconceived assumption of what the action should be.
One of the great issues in the church is a desire to help without a desire to listen. I have met many godly people who give advice to problems I faced without first trying to understand those problems.
Often the solution given was so trivial you could find it in a million places. They wasted their time attempting to help because they refused to listen.
You see wisdom requires thought and listening. It requires looking at the details of things. If we wish to live well in life we must learn to think biblically and in doing so speak less, think more, listen more, and consider the uniqueness of situations in life as Jesus did.
Many godly people will give us bad advice. It is not that these people are not godly but we as fallen people have a tendency to mindlessly repeat the wisdom we hear in the world or even the church.
Wisdom is specific to a situation. If it was an absolute it would not be wisdom. You see this is the issue with mindlessly repeating wisdom without thinking.
What is frequently true is not always true. There are many unique situations with various dynamics. We should approach situations in life with a desire to think through how to act, not with a preconceived assumption of what the action should be.
One of the great issues in the church is a desire to help without a desire to listen. I have met many godly people who give advice to problems I faced without first trying to understand those problems.
Often the solution given was so trivial you could find it in a million places. They wasted their time attempting to help because they refused to listen.
You see wisdom requires thought and listening. It requires looking at the details of things. If we wish to live well in life we must learn to think biblically and in doing so speak less, think more, listen more, and consider the uniqueness of situations in life as Jesus did.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Raising Children
Raising children requires a delicate balance. There are two major errors for parents to avoid.
The first is under raising children. Children in many families are given far too much freedom and far to little wisdom or guidance.
The other error which is more common in the church is over raising children. Parents vastly overestimate their abilities and influence and over control their children.
You see parents wanting a say on every aspect of their children's lives well past the point when input is helpful on certain topics. Parents usually justify such actions saying things like, "as a parent giving advice is my right."
The reality is the issue is not if or if not the parents have a right to always give children unsolicited advice. We have the right to make many poor decisions.
The question is should a parent in general more and more step back from advice giving to their children as their children get older? The answer I believe is clearly, yes.
Many parents destroy or greatly damage their relationship with their older children by refusing to accept them as emerging adults or current adults. As their children start careers and raise their own children parents often refuse to take a back seat.
It is an irony because often many years ago the parents themselves had felt great frustration and tension with their parents who refused to step back. Now they do the same thing and justify their actions as that they know better now and wish to help their children.
Of course the reality is they repeat the error their parents made and use wisdom as an excuse. True wisdom is understanding that children become adults and children who are adults are not clones of their parents.
They have their own ideas on certain issues and reasons for those beliefs. Parents who do not pull back on unsolicited advice to their adult children do not help their children. They simply disrespect their adult children on topics there is disagreement on.
The first is under raising children. Children in many families are given far too much freedom and far to little wisdom or guidance.
The other error which is more common in the church is over raising children. Parents vastly overestimate their abilities and influence and over control their children.
You see parents wanting a say on every aspect of their children's lives well past the point when input is helpful on certain topics. Parents usually justify such actions saying things like, "as a parent giving advice is my right."
The reality is the issue is not if or if not the parents have a right to always give children unsolicited advice. We have the right to make many poor decisions.
The question is should a parent in general more and more step back from advice giving to their children as their children get older? The answer I believe is clearly, yes.
Many parents destroy or greatly damage their relationship with their older children by refusing to accept them as emerging adults or current adults. As their children start careers and raise their own children parents often refuse to take a back seat.
It is an irony because often many years ago the parents themselves had felt great frustration and tension with their parents who refused to step back. Now they do the same thing and justify their actions as that they know better now and wish to help their children.
Of course the reality is they repeat the error their parents made and use wisdom as an excuse. True wisdom is understanding that children become adults and children who are adults are not clones of their parents.
They have their own ideas on certain issues and reasons for those beliefs. Parents who do not pull back on unsolicited advice to their adult children do not help their children. They simply disrespect their adult children on topics there is disagreement on.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Good Christian Advice
Sometimes we need advice on certain issues and we want to turn to other mature Christians for advice. But there are so many Christians we could ask and who should we turn to?
It is a hard question with no easy answer. The problem many times is that most people only like easy answers and never get to the root of the issue.
So the first thing is that often turning to people who give easy answers that can typically be summed in one or two sentences is often a bad idea. If the issue is really so difficult that we need to seek advice a quick vague principle is unlikely to help.
Sometimes we need to look past the reputation of people to figure out who is good to get advice from. Since most people are uninterested in any advice that is not a quick fix many of the people who give the best advice are considered to be unwise.
It is ironic but you see it in the life of Jesus and many figures in the bible. The wise are viewed as unwise because the easy answers are not well received.
Often when I have had difficulties I have been recommended to this or that person in the church who knows. You often hear a lot of answers which are good but really cookie cutter and not worth the effort of asking.
But if you ask a lot of people who think they will give you complex answers, sometimes these answers are equally unhelpful but they at least provoke thought but sometimes these complex answers contain the solutions.
The character of an advice giver is often important. You often find in interaction with people that some people remember the details of your life and others don't.
Often people who remember things about you can give better advice to you than people who know who you are but can't remember things about you.
You see that memory is greatly improved by interest. People who care remember more about the people they care about overall than people who don't care. We remember more about what we find significant.
So the people who really care are often the ones to go to. And these people might not be the ones we bump into the most. A lot of people who care can be somewhat busy or sometimes on a slightly different schedule.
Some people we bump into the most and enjoy their company can not care as much as people we bump into infrequently.
With all that being said sometimes the best advice comes from unusual places. It isn't always the most respected people who give the best advice.
Sometimes their advice is simply too safe. If you are too biblical you may offend someone since many people are offended by what the bible has to say.
Many people who attend church find parts of the bible offensive! That is why many pastors skirt and don't preach on certain issues.
And maybe the issue at times is that the most respected people tend to be so "safe" in their faith that they can be of no use at times.
It is a hard question with no easy answer. The problem many times is that most people only like easy answers and never get to the root of the issue.
So the first thing is that often turning to people who give easy answers that can typically be summed in one or two sentences is often a bad idea. If the issue is really so difficult that we need to seek advice a quick vague principle is unlikely to help.
Sometimes we need to look past the reputation of people to figure out who is good to get advice from. Since most people are uninterested in any advice that is not a quick fix many of the people who give the best advice are considered to be unwise.
It is ironic but you see it in the life of Jesus and many figures in the bible. The wise are viewed as unwise because the easy answers are not well received.
Often when I have had difficulties I have been recommended to this or that person in the church who knows. You often hear a lot of answers which are good but really cookie cutter and not worth the effort of asking.
But if you ask a lot of people who think they will give you complex answers, sometimes these answers are equally unhelpful but they at least provoke thought but sometimes these complex answers contain the solutions.
The character of an advice giver is often important. You often find in interaction with people that some people remember the details of your life and others don't.
Often people who remember things about you can give better advice to you than people who know who you are but can't remember things about you.
You see that memory is greatly improved by interest. People who care remember more about the people they care about overall than people who don't care. We remember more about what we find significant.
So the people who really care are often the ones to go to. And these people might not be the ones we bump into the most. A lot of people who care can be somewhat busy or sometimes on a slightly different schedule.
Some people we bump into the most and enjoy their company can not care as much as people we bump into infrequently.
With all that being said sometimes the best advice comes from unusual places. It isn't always the most respected people who give the best advice.
Sometimes their advice is simply too safe. If you are too biblical you may offend someone since many people are offended by what the bible has to say.
Many people who attend church find parts of the bible offensive! That is why many pastors skirt and don't preach on certain issues.
And maybe the issue at times is that the most respected people tend to be so "safe" in their faith that they can be of no use at times.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Extra Biblical Wisdom
A lot of times in the church we will find a lot of extra biblical wisdom. It is wisdom in the sense that it might seem to have validity in how to live will.
The interesting part of extra biblical wisdom in the church is that most people often do not realize that this wisdom seems to have originated from somewhere other than the bible. The wisdom doesn't seem to contradict the bible, but it is not directly from the bible, or a direct extension from a biblical principle.
What do we think of this?
It seems the first thing is to realize that this wisdom may be flawed. God did not speak these words and he did not necessarily inspire any man to write them.
There is a lot of decent extra biblical wisdom in the church. It can have benefits, but the reality of this wisdom is a lot of the time it is correct only 80-90% of the time and the other times this wisdom seems very suspect.
When I was a bit younger I was very frustrated because the bible seems often more interested in general principle s about topics then specific advice. Now a bit older I see the wisdom in this approach.
Often overly specific advice can only apply correctly to one specific situation in one place. The bible often does not give specific advice because the nature of wisdom is that a lot of it depends on the context of situations.
This is the sort of reason the bible is the amazing book it is. It does not fall into the trap of giving man exactly what he wants which is cookie cutter answers to life's tough questions.
The interesting part of extra biblical wisdom in the church is that most people often do not realize that this wisdom seems to have originated from somewhere other than the bible. The wisdom doesn't seem to contradict the bible, but it is not directly from the bible, or a direct extension from a biblical principle.
What do we think of this?
It seems the first thing is to realize that this wisdom may be flawed. God did not speak these words and he did not necessarily inspire any man to write them.
There is a lot of decent extra biblical wisdom in the church. It can have benefits, but the reality of this wisdom is a lot of the time it is correct only 80-90% of the time and the other times this wisdom seems very suspect.
When I was a bit younger I was very frustrated because the bible seems often more interested in general principle s about topics then specific advice. Now a bit older I see the wisdom in this approach.
Often overly specific advice can only apply correctly to one specific situation in one place. The bible often does not give specific advice because the nature of wisdom is that a lot of it depends on the context of situations.
This is the sort of reason the bible is the amazing book it is. It does not fall into the trap of giving man exactly what he wants which is cookie cutter answers to life's tough questions.
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